Mismatched Libidos: How to Handle It When Your Sex Drive Doesn't Match?

Mismatched Libidos

Have you ever felt that you and your partner aren’t on the same page when it comes to sex?

Like you might be super horny but they are not in the mood. Or maybe they are the ones who are super horny and you are not in the mood. And the worse part? You (or your partner) have to fake a headache just to run away from sex!

It sucks when you and your partner have sex drives that do not sync. It is frustrating and can even put tension in your relationship. But do not worry! There are plenty of ways how to handle it when your and your partner’s sex drive doesn’t match, and we are going to list it all down for you!

Why do mismatched libidos happen?

Fact #1: This is normal.
Fact #2: No, there is nothing wrong with you or your partner.

So why does it happen?

Mismatched libidos between sex partners happen because libidos tend to wane. And it can be because of medical factors, like pregnancy and menopause for females, and aging for males due to a decline in their testosterone levels. It can also be caused by stress (especially stress from work), or medication side effects, or there may be problems in your relationship like trust issues, unresolved conflicts, or lack of connection with your partner. It can also stem from personal problems, like low self-esteem, poor body image, or previous negative sexual experience.

Those are probably the reasons why sex is not as interesting as before. But do not worry, because there is still something that you can do about it!

So what can you do?

  1. Talk about it.

There is nothing more effective in managing mismatched libidos than talking about it. Yes, sex is a sensitive subject and for some people, it may be quite uncomfortable to talk about it. But as mentioned above, there are so many reasons why sex drives decline. And you can only find out what’s the problem if you and your partner sit down to discuss it.

When talking about sex and being out-of-sync with your sex drives, you have to be honest, understanding, and empathetic with each other. Be respectful in communicating about each other's feelings, insecurities, desires, and the source of the lack of desire so that you can have a better understanding of the problem.

Also, you have to be open to hearing your partner's wants and needs, and your partner should be open to hearing yours, too. Both of you should show empathy to each other by validating each other’s feelings and listening without being defensive or playing the blame game.


  1. Make compromises

After talking about sex with your partner, and after you have heard each other’s side, the next thing that you would want to do is to compromise with each other. Adjust to satisfy each other’s needs and wants and meet in the middle.

To do this, you have to understand your and your partner’s definition of sex. Many couples think that "sex" is equal to "penetration", but that is not always the case. To some people, kissing and cuddling are better than penetrative sex. To some, oral sex and masturbation are preferred. And to some, having penetrative sex is the most effective method to feel that they are close and intimate with their partners.

Once you found out what "sex" means to both of you, you can figure out how to adjust your intimate time with each other. Try talking about what other intimate activities you can include in your sexual repertoire so that when one of you isn't up for sex, you can still engage in something that brings intimacy, closeness, and possibly sexual arousal. This could include cuddling, massages, showering together, and other non-intercourse sexual activities like mutual masturbation or oral sex.


  1. Schedule your sexy time

When you’re stressed or exhausted, engaging in sex is the last thing that you would want (or even think about). But remember: sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous. And no, scheduling sex won’t "ruin" the intimacy.

Planning sex can help you figure out when both of you have the most energy. For example, you can schedule it in the morning after you wake up. Or when you schedule dates and you know you are likely to have sex after. Scheduling sex helps you and your partner to find a moment where your energies overlap.

Scheduling sex can also help to build excitement and ensure that both parties are physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared for sex. Plus, it is a huge turn-on because you have something intimate to look forward to! You can even use the remaining time until the scheduled sex to tease each other through foreplay.

For example, if you set your sexy time after dinner time, you can use the rest of the day by building up excitement through dirty talking, kissing, and touching, all while waiting for the right moment!


  1. Set the right mood

Setting the right mood can help you or your partner match your sex drives. Getting a warm bath together, lighting candles, and playing intimate music can get the mood right for a sexy time.

But remember that "setting the right mood" should not only be exclusive to the moment you are about to have sex. Foreplay should take place throughout the day. It is not necessary to wait until you are in the bedroom. While sexual intercourse lasts only a few minutes, the events preceding it are equally important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything that occurs prior to sex is considered foreplay.

Couples can set the mood by driving their partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and complimenting them. Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of one's daily routine can help the body prepare for sexual pleasure.

Final Takeaway

So how do you handle it when you and your partner are not in sync when it comes to your sex drive?

You talk about it. You find out what’s the problem. Then you compromise.

Sex is a normal part of a relationship, and in a relationship, you and your partner are a team. Open communication can save your relationship from every disaster and upending doom, and it will only be effective if both of you are willing to meet each other’s wants and needs.

Lastly, sex should be fun!