by Luna Matatas
You might be a beginner at butt pleasure or an experienced anal adventurer who is hungry for more. Either way, exploring anal sex can feel really exciting and it can also bring up feelings of shame, stigma and insecurity.
Every body has a butthole - it’s the great equalizer! Different buttholes like different things, and there are techniques to maximize pleasure and minimize pain and discomfort.
Here are 6 ways to have better anal sex:
1. 'Suprise anal’ is not a thing.
It might be a really hot fantasy to approach someone and slip into their anus effortlessly, but in reality, surprising someone with anal penetration can hurt them and make them feel unsafe. Consent is a thing. Anal training is a thing –– and you can train a butthole by using butt plugs, anal beads or prostate massages, to slowly help the ass get comfortable with penetration over time.
A few minutes isn’t enough of a warm up for anal sex. Take advantage of all the nerve endings around the rim of the anus. Take your time, arouse the ass externally and anal penetration might be on the menu or not - you can have lots of arousal from non-penetrative anal stimulation.
To warm up the anus, grab some lube and with your partner’s consent try:
- Rubbing the butthole with your thumb or knuckles and massaging the butt crinkles around the anus.
- Rimming the anus feels great for lots of people and can help your partner relax.
- Using a vibrator pressed against the anus or the perineum (the skin between the genitals and the butthole).
- Exploring anal masturbation allows you to go at your own pace and see how your body responds.
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2. Spit might be cute, but it’s not lube.
The anus isn’t self-lubricating, so lubrication is a must. Lubrication creates a slippery texture to minimize friction (and injuries) during penetration with sex toys, fingers and penises.
Use a long-lasting lube and remember to re-apply during the course of penetration!
"A few minutes isn’t enough of a warm up for anal sex."
–– Luna Matatas
3. Anal doesn’t have to be PAIN-al.
Previous painful experiences or assumptions that anal has to hurt, might cause someone to feel nervous about anal sex. A body that is tense, worried or insecure can prevent the anus from relaxing. Encourage the anal receiver to control the depth and speed of penetration by holding still and letting them ease down or back onto penises, sex toys, or fingers. It’s important that the receiver trusts that the giver will promptly stop penetration if pain arises.
Avoid products that numb or desensitize your anus. Pain is your body’s way of communicating with you to slow down or stop. Take the pressure off of penetration as a goal and go slow and sink into anal pleasure over a series of sexy experiences.
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4. Communication is the 'social lube’ you can’t get enough of.
Though you need actual lubricants, communication is just as important to make sure everyone is having the best anal time possible.
Have an open conversation outside of your sexy time. Talk about concerns, fantasies, boundaries, who’s the giver/receiver and turn ons/offs. Are you worried about hygiene? Anxious about discomfort? Prefer rimming to penetration? It can put both partners at ease to have playful and curious conversations so you know what pleasure is possible.
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5. Play with prostate pleasure.
The prostate is a gland and its main function is to produce fluid for semen. It has many nerve endings that some people find pleasurable and even orgasmic through stimulation, like massage or vibration. Penis pleasure with prostate play might be good or it might be too much sensation.
Prostate massager sex toys are a good option because the shapes and firmness makes it easy to find and stimulate the prostate.
6. Cleaning your ass.
The rectum’s main job is getting waste out of the body, so when you start to explore anal pleasure, obviously poop is a reasonable concern. Here are some options for anal sex hygiene:
- Use an enema bulb to flush out the rectum with warm water. Do not use douching solutions - they often contain ingredients that irritate the delicate tissue inside the anus.
- In the shower, you can clean externally and optionally use a finger one to two inches inside your ass to flush out any remaining particles from your last bowel movement. If you’re using soap, use a gentle, moisturizing and unscented soap.
- Put down a towel for anal play, and keep wipes nearby.
The anus has different bacteria than the vagina and urethra - so it’s best to keep butt stuff in the butt. You can use barriers like covering butt toys with condoms, fingers with non-latex/latex gloves, and preventing oral exchange of bacteria through dental dams.
The butt likes to be seduced. Go slow, use lube, talk to each other, let go of of penetration expectations, and get curious about what anal pleasure possibilities are available to you!
Luna Matatas is a sex and pleasure educator with over 10 years of experience teaching sexual health and empowerment workshops. She teaches a wide range of topics including threesomes, BDSM, butt stuff, and sexual confidence. Her advice on sex and kink has been featured in Playboy, Cosmo, Vice, Women's Health, and Pornhub. Luna created the Peg the Patriarchy® and Mediate Medicate Masturbate brands as part of her line of sex-positive and feminist merchandise.